Posted by: Emily | 22 July 2012

A month later

So I see it’s been about a month since my last update, but I have a good excuse! We’ve moved 3500 miles, from one end of North America to the very other end! And if that doesn’t excuse not writing in my blog in a month, then I don’t really wish to experience the things that would excuse it.

We drove mostly across I-90, west to east, traversing in about seven days the distance that in times past would have taken a year by covered wagon. Both A and I have driven across the continent multiple times, via multiple routes, and neither of us really had any desire to do it any other way than the fastest possible. So we made only a few slight detours, such as through the Badlands, which was completely worth the effort, and to Cleveland to get a bit of unexpected car damage repaired, which was also worth the effort, but in a different way.

We’re currently trying to get our new apartment into shape, and to familiarize ourselves with our new surroundings and environment, and trying not to get overwhelmed by any of it. We’ve been seeing some friends and family, old and new, and I’ve been connecting with some of the local queer Jewish community, which is a long-overdue group of folks I hadn’t realized I would need in my life. (More on that, and other adventures, in forthcoming posts.)

The biggest challenge so far has been being out as trans, and quite visibly so, 100% of the time. It’s weird to think that some (most) of the people I am interacting with now have only ever known me as trans, and as Emily. We spent last weekend with an old friend and her six-year-old daughter, and it was weird to think that she only knows me as “Emily” and as “she”. Same for some of the (adult) people I’ve recently met. Am I more sensitive about being misgendered now than I used to be? Yeah, I think so. I’m trying, really hard, not to let it get in the way of my life, though. Like I’ve said, in a very important sense I’ve already got what I want—love and respect and getting taken seriously from the people I care about—and I am trying hard, as well, to remember not to take that for granted.

This has been a month of reminding myself that you can’t do transition wrong. There is no wrong way to do this, no prescribed order I have to do things in, no rules about what I can and can’t do. It’s all about finding my authentic self, and letting her be free. And that means that I have to give myself the latitude to make mistakes, and be gentle with myself when picking up the pieces.


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